Seeking shelter where there is none : BDSM cannot and will not “fix” your problems.

Lately in the scene, I notice a pattern with a lot of female s-types that has become an issue. I do not mean to single out a gender bracket entirely. Let me preface this by saying this is my current experience. Mine. Therefore I’m fully allowed to state my take on it and offer a bit of insight. The pattern I notice is this direct or back-handed assumption that BDSM/Little space/Pup Space is going to solve all your problems. That d-types are here to make everything better and essentially play superman to broken spirits.

You’re here for the wrong reasons. Come back later when you’ve leveled out mentally and emotionally.

That may be blunt and painful to read, but it’s a fact. A fact we really need to acknowledge and discuss. Because there’s too many hearts being broken at their own hands and none of these types want to see reason. They are too clouded by their sub frenzy and it’s completely engulfed their decision making and judgement skills. I’ve been in many groups on facebook for things like DDLG and D/S. I’ve had many people come to me for advice, friendship, and possible mentoring. I’ve denied nearly all of them for mentoring and found that my advice given normally falls constantly on deaf ears, only for them to come back with things like “Why?” or “I hate myself” or “I’m quitting the lifestyle. This is bullshit.” and nine times out of ten the reason this happens is because they make the same mistakes in repetition, desperately wondering why it doesn’t work or causes them great physical or emotional pain.

If you look at the definition of insanity you’ll note that “extreme folly or unreasonableness” and “something utterly foolish or unreasonable” are noted. In Webster’s definition you’ll see “extreme foolishness or irrationality.” and that’s exactly what this kind of thinking and behavior is. Insanity.

You CANNOT reasonably expect your D-type OR S-type to be the saving grace to your issues in life, in your head, and in general. This is NOT healthy BDSM nor healthy relationship practices and I can speak honestly about that because I am guilty of it in past situations. Where I was young, misguided, under-educated, stubborn, and reckless. I expected my relationships to carry all my weight for me, kiss my boo boos better, and basically take all my pain away. Which is exactly what drained them of any ability to actually love me, because when you exhaust someone by forcing them to be your emotional dumpster and band-aid station you reduce their value as an individual and to the relationship. They are no longer a PARTNER, they become your emotional handyman. That shit is really exhausting and leaves little to no room for growth, because your partner is constantly dropping everything to coddle you every time you feel you scraped a knee.

“I thought it was all supposed to get better once I submitted. Isn’t that how this works?.”

“I can’t help it. I just worry alot. I’m afraid he’ll leave me.”

“I’m not trying to be jealous but if he really trusted me, he would let me check his phone and know his passwords. If he has nothing to hide what’s the problem?”

BDSM isn’t a correct-all for your past relationship failures, woes, trials and tribulations.

If you are filled with any form or an abundance of self-doubts and self-loathing in a vanilla relationship and your partner/spouse isn’t the source of the problem, you’ll most likely be filled with self-doubts and self-loathing as a D-type or S-type. Equally, if you are always jealous and doubtful of your partners, regardless of being given reason to be or not, you’ll be that way in your D/s relationship. Finally, if you withdraw into yourself and refuse to communicate in your relationships, that won’t automatically change simply because you’re now a D-type or an S-type.

Dominance and submission, as well as the rest of the BDSM spectrum, is a relationship dynamic unlike anything most people have ever experienced. It requires full, open and honest communication. It requires trust. “I WILL administer repercussions for actions that do not benefit your growth.” D/S requires believing in yourself and your partner to much higher and consistent levels than vanilla relationships require and it has a very similar affect on people that I compare to veterans of the vietnam war. Once you get a taste of the life you can never go back to normal, try as you might. Like 1%er bikers in the 60’s and 70’s trying to recapture the adrenaline of war, you will find yourself bouncing from unfufilling relationship to the next trying to find purpose within it and failing as well as hurting yourself and the people involved. Intentionally or not. It also takes time and patience to cultivate – if you’re looking for a full relationship and not just a temporary play partner. Time meaning a year or more, quite literally no less. The people who have gotten their foundations built before the year mark are within a TINY percentage of VERY lucky individuals who are probably already well seasoned in the lifestyle and well-rounded as people.

NOTE : You don’t have to enter your D/s relationship with your shit together: completely confident, no insecurities, and able to bare your soul. Most of us don’t. What you should do is be willing to try, willing to do what’s necessary for the relationship to work, and willing to speak up – even though it will seem nearly impossible at first.

It probably seems like some relationships spring up immediately formed into D/s perfection. False. Utterly false. All relationships, regardless of their level of kink or lack thereof, require hard work. Time must be spent learning each other, talking to one another, spending time together. (Time spent in a virtual world counts – but be assured, it doesn’t truly prepare you for being together in a physical space nor should it be a gauge on weather you can or can’t.)

NOTE:

  • If your partner makes you feel bad about yourself and discounts the things you say, you’re in the wrong relationship.
  • If you aren’t willing to talk to your partner, and you’re not even willing to try to do so, regardless of whether that’s your fault or theirs, you’re in the wrong relationship.
  • If you can’t let go of the past and see the person in front of you for who they are, you’re probably in the wrong relationship.

When you’re willing to accept less than someone’s best and willing to allow them to walk all over you, break boundaries, lie, cheat, steal, and make demands of you without giving anything in return then you are hurting yourself and wasting you’re time. On the flip-side, when you’re willing to manipulate, lie, steal, or cheat, you’re hurting your partner and yourself as well as wasting everyone’s time.

It is always better to be alone than to be in a dysfunctional or damaging relationship. Truly.

Dominants, the good ones, are patient wolves. Constantly observing and only coming within proximity when they notice it’s time to. But it’s important to remember they are also human. At times, s-types will often give D-types god-like attributes, and that’s not the reality. They need to get to know a prospective submissive before deciding if they want to dominate you. That being said, any D-type who is overly eager to rush the process and own you without investing proper time is a D-type worth running from. Immediately.

A good Dominant takes their time. They talk to a potential submissive and learn likes, dislikes, personality, everything they can. They find the fundamental process of relationship foundations rewarding. They learn as much as a submissive will let them learn – and often, plenty that you think you aren’t telling them. Good D-types are natural readers and normally posses high spiritual abilities to see things that most humans cannot see. They can literally “see you”. From my experience, Dominants watch and read people very well – especially when they’re interested.

For the S-types reading, I strongly urge you to keep your guard up in the beginning. There are too many assholes posing as Doms in the world to do otherwise. Especially in today’s world of D/S where kink is easily mistaken for D/S, people are too quick to rush into something to heal wounds D/S cannot heal, trends like 50 shades of grey cloud peoples actual understanding of the lifestyle and veil it in romanticism, and ego rules over tradition. But at a certain point, you have to take a leap of faith. You have to decide if you trust your instinct enough to let this potential Dominant in closer and when you do, you have to truly open up.

It is easy to blame yourself when you decide to open up and your heart is subsequently crushed. That’s not a failing on your part. Loving someone with your whole heart takes true courage. Sharing part of your soul takes true courage. Trust takes true courage. So if you chose the wrong one, if you were released from a Dominant you considered “the one,” don’t berate yourself for it. Stand tall with your head high because you acted courageously and made a decision for yourself. You took a chance, you both tried, it did not work. This is not a fault of anyone’s. It’s simply a matter of a puzzle piece not being a proper fit and is maybe best suited for another puzzle.

For the D-types, the same really does apply. We need to be careful of someone so willing to submit that they’ll pretend to be someone they’re not or do things they would not normally do otherwise. No matter how strong we seem, a Dominant’s heart can get just as intertwined as a submissive’s, we can hurt just as much when our hearts are broken.

Bottom line: be true to yourself, but also communicate, trust, and always, always be honest with your partner AND YOURSELF. Period.

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– Pledge Brozo Onyx AKA Pup King

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6 comments

  1. TheDiaryOfSin · 10 Days Ago

    Reblogged this on The Diary Of Sin and commented:
    This is the first time I have ever reblogged anything. But… I can not tell you how absolutely spot on it is. The whole thing in it’s entirety is super important and you should read it in it’s entirety. But what made it absolutely reblog worthy, aside from being absolutely blunt, in my eyes,was the last half about finding the right D/s.. it is something I feel is … not ever really considered.
    Please give it a read ♡Sin

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for sharing this. ^_^ I am so glad it provided food for your journey in this lifestyle.

      Wruff.

      Liked by 1 person

      • TheDiaryOfSin · 10 Days Ago

        ^,^ no problem it spike volumes. I’m fairly new, but I know enough to know when information is valuable. In all honesty… it was almost exactly the same things my ex/first dom had said to me when he had taken me as a sub. I can’t lie it didn’t totally make sense to me then but it totally does now and I had to share it in hope rhat it helps others! So thank you for this! And- I have read other blogs on your page. I am enjoying reading your journey. Though I feel that perhaps I am invading a diary at times.. ^;^ ~ keep moving forward!
        ♡Sin

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hahahaha feel free to invade. It’s there for a lot of self reflection as I go and log important milestones. In between the educational musings.

        I thank you for reading and for your kind words. It’s been an interesting road. I do not thing that will change on anything but a more positive note.

        Thank you, Sin! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Reblog – What BDSM is and isn’t for Relationships | Kindredspirit23's Blog

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